Funny Dog Quotes From the Quirky to the Hilarious

Best Funny Dog Quotes

The following list of funny dog quotes wins the category of the best in our opinion. Not only are they hilarious; they are also totally true. And it’s not funny if it’s not relatable, right?

• “They never talk about themselves but listen to you while you talk about yourself and keep up an appearance of being interested in the conversation.” – Jerome K. Jerome (comedian)
• “Scratch a dog and you’ll find a permanent job.” – Franklin P. Jones (comedian)
• “A lot of shelter dogs are mutts like me.” – Barack Obama (former president of the United States)
• “Don’t accept your dog’s admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.” – Ann Landers (columnist for the Chicago Sun-Times)
• “Handle every stressful situation like a dog. If you can’t eat it or play with it, just pee on it and walk away.” – Unknown

Short Funny Dog Quotes

Looking for funny dog quotes that are a bit shorter? If you are looking to post some funny dog quotes on your social media accounts, sometimes shorter is better. Every last one of these funny dog quotes had us in stitches. Many of them were spoken by two-legged comedians.

• “My dog is half pitbull, half poodle. Not much of a watchdog, but a vicious gossip.” – Crag Shoemaker (comedian)
• “Anybody who doesn’t know what soap tastes like never washed a dog.” – Franklin P. Jones (comedian)
• “What do dogs do on their day off? Can’t lie around — that’s their job.” – George Carlin (comedian)
• “If you’re uncomfortable around my dog, I’m happy to lock you in the other room when you come over.” – Unknown

Funny Dog Sayings from Films

Let’s face it. A number of films about dogs wind up making us both laugh and cry. The good news is that you’ve stumbled upon a list of funny dog quotes, which means these quotes promise not to elicit tears. From 1989’s “Turner & Hooch” to the ever-famous “Marley & Me,” we’ve got some pretty hilarious funny dog quotes from our favorite doggy movies.

• “These are simple rules. No barking, no growling, you will not lift your leg to anything in this house. This is not your room. No slobbering, no chewing, you will wear a flea collar. This is not your room. No begging for food, no sniffing of crotches, and you will not drink from my toilet. This is not your room.” – “Turner & Hooch” (1989)
• “So, in all my lives as a dog, here’s what I’ve learned. Have fun, obviously. Whenever possible, find someone to save and save them. Lick the ones you love.” – “A Dog’s Purpose” (2017)
• “A dog has no use for fancy cars, big homes, or designer clothes. A water log stick will do just fine.” – “Marley & Me” (2008)

Funny Dog Quotes from Literature

Call me biased as a writer and author myself, but I adore quotes from literature. And I especially adore quotes from literature that are funny and involve dogs.

• “I sometimes look into the face of my dog Stan and see a wistful sadness and existential angst, when all he is actually doing is slowly scanning the ceiling for flies.” – Merrill Markoe (author, “Nose Down”)
• “When an 85-pound mammal licks your tears away, then tries to sit on your lap, it’s hard to feel sad.” – Kristan Higgins (author, “In Your Dreams”)
• “I don’t understand people who don’t touch their pets. Their cat or dog is called a pet for a reason.” – Jarod Kintz (author, “This Book Is Not for Sale”)
• “As wonderful as dogs can be, they are famous for missing the point.” – Jean Ferris (author, “Once Upon a Marigold”)

Best Funny Dog Quotes in Novels

• “I’ve seen a look in dogs’ eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt, and I am convinced that basically, dogs think humans are nuts.” – John Steinbeck (author, “The Grapes of Wrath”)
• “All his life he tried to be a good person. Many times, however, he failed. For, after all, he was only human. He wasn’t a dog.” – Charles M. Schulz (cartoonist, “Peanuts”)

Funny Dog Walking Quotes and Dog Car Ride Quotes

I also come across two quotes that amused me regarding dog walking and riding with dogs in cars.

• “Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog’s face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car, he sticks his head out the window.” – Steve Bluestone (co-founder of ICF Panels)

This next quote is not so much funny as it is super sweet.

• “Happiness is a long walk with a dog.” – Unknown

Funny Dog Tag Sayings

Along with the list of funny dog quotes from literature, this section regarding funny dog tag sayings is worth repeating to friends and family. No lie, I’m going out tomorrow to revamp my own dog’s name tag with one of these clever, funny and even slightly inappropriate dog tag sayings. Be forewarned. I changed some of the more colorful words for the sake of our younger readers.

• “Have your people call my people.”
• For the deaf dog, “I can’t freaking hear you!”
• “Oh no, I’m lost! Please call my mom. She is ugly crying. Really ugly crying.”
• “I’m chipped. Get your people to call my people.”
• “I ESCAPED! Mwah-ha-haa!”
• “Call my mom. She’s lost without me.”
• “Free beer upon return.”
• “Call mom before she freaks out.”

Cheeky Dog Tag Quotes

• “I like smelling butts and I cannot lie.”
• “Not all who wander are lost…but I am.”
• “If you can read this I will lick you.”
• “Every day is hump day.”
• “Breaking hearts and blasting farts.”